Nervous

When I tell people that I'm an actor, one of the common responses I get is, "Don't you get nervous?" to which I would reply, "No, I never get nervous." That is no longer true.

I just had another audition this past weekend. I was very relaxed and energized as I arrived, but then I suddenly got nervous and stayed that way throughout the audition. Now, I'm not so nervous that my hands shake, my voice cracks, or I start to sweat and make mistakes. It's not that kind of nervous. It's much more subtle.

I think it is arisen from my growing openness and vulnerability in my acting. There's more of "me" showing up. The reason I never got nervous was that I was always protected. I was playing it safe. Being nervous stems form the fear about being open, of showing myself. I suspect that over time, the fear will subside and I won't be as nervous. That I will really connect with the true power of such vulnerability. But right now, I'm going more on faith than a deep trust of it.

Another reason that I'm getting nervous is that I'm also discovering how important acting is to me. I really want to get these parts. I feel a tingling sensation in my heart. I love acting. It makes no sense, considering how many other career options are open to me and how successful I've been at them so far. But something is pulling at me. I am allowing myself to really own this dream, to feel it and it's scary. That is also part of the nervousness.

So being nervous is a good thing right now. It's the surface fear that arises when I contact the hopes and fears of my true heart's desire.